When a spouse wants to end a marriage
By Val Farmer
Date Modified: 11/04/2009 3:08 PM
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What happens when a husband or a wife is surprised when their partner wants to end the marriage? What does he go through?
To tell this story lets talk about Bill and Betty - fictitious names.
Bill's wife, Betty, had just dropped a bombshell. She wanted a divorce. Bill's first reaction was shock and disbelief.
Bill tried to gain control of the fear sweeping his body. He denied the truth of what was being said. "Our marriage can't be that bad." He pleaded. "I'll change. I'll do anything. I'll go for counseling. Is there a way to stop this?"
Bill was surprised by the finality of Betty's answer. He was no longer in control. He cajoled, joked and threatened. He groped for any answer that would turn the situation around. He had tried this in the past, but this time nothing worked. He was running into a brick wall.
He also felt angry. He unloaded some of his anger he had been restraining for the past few months. He threatened Betty with a nasty custody fight. His anger and threats made things worse. Bill then became sickeningly sweet. He promised her all the things he knew she wanted to hear, but this time she wasn't buying. He was in deep trouble and he knew it. It hadn't occurred to him that Betty would actually go through with it. He was overwhelmed with anxiety.
At that moment, he felt like his whole life was being destroyed.
Bill was flooded with emotions he didn't know he had. He alternated between love and hate. He felt afraid, rejected, abandoned, lonely and confused. He wanted to turn to the only friend he had. Betty was refusing to be his friend.
There were a thousand questions. Finances? Who will leave? What about facing family and friends? What about the kids? Bill sensed that Betty had the upper hand when it came to custody. He couldn't stand the thought of not being around the kids. As faulty as his parenting had been, he had a deep love for them.
On a deeper level, Bill was dealing with feelings of failure -- failure as a parent, husband, failure as a human being. His pride was a factor.
Bill was losing his dream, all the things he had worked for. The house, the kids and the car. The woman he loved.
Bill was staring at a bleak financial future. It was like going back to the beginning. He was really listening to Betty now. He came to the startling realization he didn't know her.
Even more painfully, Bill realized he didn't even know himself. He felt overwhelmed by guilt. He did it to himself and it was a horrible feeling.
Bill felt betrayed by an inadequate definition of masculinity that led him to be inexpressive, selfish, stubborn, domineering, possessive, angry and critical. Bill wanted to nurture his wife, express feelings, be more spontaneous, cooperative, sensitive and even playful. He realized how much he wanted to be a father to his children.
Above all, he wanted a chance to show his wife he could be different. He wanted to change.
Betty wouldn't believe him. His track record of broken promises was too long. She had heard all of these things many times before and none of it meant anything to her. To her, Bill's promises were nothing more than desperate words designed to keep in the marriage.
This is a sad story. Except for the ending. Bill sought support from friends and relatives. He even went to counseling for himself. He developed the emotional staying power to get himself through this topsy-turvy time
Bill joined a support group for people going through divorce. He mourned his loss and finally accepted it. He learned to be a father again. That part he could still do. After going through a crazy time, this man met someone else and put into practice all the things he learned. He made a great husband -- for someone else. It was a shame it took a divorce to wake him up.
Many men don't grow like Bill. They drown themselves in a bottle. They isolate themselves. They put their feelings on ice. Their intentions to change were so many words. They lunge into other relationships. They hunt for another "mama" to take care of them. They carry anger and bitterness. Relationships are about their needs. They don't know how to love.
Some men are worth divorcing and some aren't.
For more information on divorce, visit Val Farmer's web site at www.valfarmer.com.
Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Missouri and can be contacted through his website. 2009 The Preston Connection Feature Service