A bittersweet moment from motherhood

By Janet Kubat Willette
jkubat@agrinews.com

Date Modified: 05/27/2010 9:45 AM

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I took my baby to preschool today.

She's not a baby anymore, she's a big girl — she'll tell you if you screw up and call her a little girl. Sometimes, she'll say she's kind of big and kind of little. Her hand fits just right in mom's when we walk together.

Today was the big day. She was up and ready to go, eating breakfast and watching Curious George before any of her siblings.

She told her dad she had to go to school, she was big.

When we got to school, she proudly carried her backpack on her back and wanted to find her locker. She even waved at big brother when he came down the hall. Being in middle school, he ignored her.

We had to ask directions to her classroom. When a flood of students came her way, she wanted to be carried, but as soon as they were past, she wanted down. She's big after all.

I don't know if I'm ready for her to be big. Walking out of a store last weekend, I instinctively reached for her hand when I heard a rumble of what I thought was thunder. But she wasn't there, she'd went ahead with her dad and my 10-year-old was standing next to me. He wasn't going to take my hand.

As a mom, I want all my children to grow up and be successful. I want them to excel and make friends.

But I don't know if I'm ready for my baby to be big. I want to hug her more, cuddle at bedtime while reading Clifford and talk.

She says the cutest things — I know moms always say that — but she does. Preschoolers are so honest. They don't know how to lie and they aren't embarrassed to say what's on their mind. I wish we could all be a little more like preschoolers in this way. Sometimes, I think we grownups worry too much about being embarrassed and doing what we think we need to instead of what we want to be doing.

Not preschoolers. If they want to have a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, they will and they don't care how embarrassed mom is.

But there were no tantrums this morning. She was big.

When I dropped her off, another little girl was already playing in the child's kitchen. My little Jess took off her backpack, shoes and coat and joined her. Soon, they were putting plastic pizza slices in the plates on the table and taking turns with the salt shaker.

Mom snapped some pictures because I couldn't let this momentous occasion slip by without some photos to remember it by. She did wave at me and give me a smile before I left and headed for work.

We'd talked about her going to school after preschool screening and she wondered why it was taking so long to start. She's in an introduction to preschool course that meets three times this month. Better yet, she gets to ride the big bus to daycare with one of her best friends.

We talked about her day. Mom would take her to school, she would go to her classroom and then she'd ride the bus to Carole's. You're going to cry on the way to work, aren't you mom, she said.

She was right.

Janet Kubat Willette is a senior staff writer for Agri News.